Broken Dreams

This afternoon I took a short nap and had a dream about seeing my boys. in that dream I saw Zach and Ryan playing and Ryan saw me and came to me. I was so excited to see him I swept him up and held him and burst into sobbing tears, it was then that I woke up and felt the pain knowing that it was just a dream and then I broke down sobbing from the pain I feel from not being allowed to see my sons. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I have no income and can't help their mother financially, but I still want to be there for my kids. I want to spend time with them, teach them what my mother and father taught me. I want to hold them in my arms like I have done in the past. I want to hear Ryan talk and see him walk and run, I want to see Zach's mind at work as he plays and grows into boyhood.

 It would be one thing if I chosen to walk out of their lives but I did nothing of the sort, I love them too much. They were taken from me and I was told it was my fault and that I would never see them again, and all I can do is weep and read about them doing things with their mother and grandmothers. I fear I won’t be allowed to see them this holiday season and be denied wishing them good cheer and spending holiday with them.

 I think about how fair is it to my children to not be allowed to see one of their parents, it’s not their fight or problem that things are the way they are. All they want is to have both of their parents to love them and be there for them. It not always about money, my children need me to be part of their lives too, to give them something no money can buy and that’s my love for them.

 I feel it’s hypocritical of Chanel of keeping Zach and Ryan from me. Her own father is in a battle to see his own children and Chanel s half siblings. Her father is not allowed to see his children either and just because his ex hates him did she take full custody. If Chanel could have her way she would do the same to me, but luckily Arizona law frowns upon the practice of shutting out a parent for no reason.

I really have nothing else to say and so I end on this somber note.

Zoe