Saturday, February 5, 2011

Pain, Progression and Fear.

 I feel I need to speak out about a few things and really talk about the darkness that was part of my transition and the life that was before, and the pain and challenges that many transgender individuals go through just to point out that this is not a game.
 I knew I was transgender around the time of seventh grade and even had the opportunity to talk it over with a child psychologist due to the divorce but in fear I held my tongue.  I’ve been dressing in secrete since age ten and lived in fear of being found out, I feared at the time that I would be punished and told I was a pervert and I built my life upon that lie that I told myself. The next opportunity I had was when I went on my own and had the freedom to explore the world but I was so ingrained in fear that I believed that I was in the wrong and that my desires to cross the gender lines was a sick fantasy and that I was sick myself.

 See as I was growing up the girl in me was always there and what fueled me to hide was the constant bullying and teasing because I was a emotional sissy as they put it and did not act like a tough boy. So I withdrew from the world, I buried these feelings even deeper not know how they affected my day to day life; I became a ghost in my own life and had no light or feelings for anyone. The real reason I never considered taking my life like so many other transgender girls have had, was that I held no value in my life giving no value in ending it.

 I did things to improve myself but they were things I was told to do. I joined the Navy at my mother’s suggestion, after ruining my first attempt to be self-sufficient. I would always set myself up for failure because honestly I did not care what happened to me. I was tossed out of the Navy due to not caring for my health or well being and my superiors saw that was not good for the group. After years of being miserable and not knowing what being happy was and refusing the only thing that would make my life worth living.

 I tried to make myself happy by dating and having a relationship and falling in love with Chanel, who for a short three and half year gave me some since of peace but not completely happy with myself or who I was. I was still miserable and by then I believed my lie so well that I forgot why I was lying to myself in the first place. I was adrift and had no since of purpose I felt that I should be happy, I had everything a man could want a good job and nice house two great kids and a loving wife and things were moving in a great direction, but I was miserable and lost. I found myself after much soul-searching and facing the closet I bared and lock so many years ago and opened it and found the woman that was me inside and she was pissed at me for denying her her life. So I gave it back to her and I was happy to do it, but I gave up everything that was precious to me because I built my life on a lie and that lie was that I was a man. My wife left me two weeks later and a month after that I was evicted from my home as it was in her grandmother’s name.

  I lost my loving wife and kids who I still to this day love till it hurts, I lost a lifestyle that I had grown accustomed too, but in the end I needed forgive myself for my transgression of deigning my own identity from myself and punishing myself for a non-existent sin and become who I always knew I was inside.

 I don’t wish this life on anyone but I’m blessed to be Transgender, many girls don’t make it this far may it be of their own making or by the ignorance of their families and spouses that keep them from moving on. Many Transgender individuals don’t transition instead they end their lives to save themselves from the pain of losing what they treasure most their families and loved ones.
I have moved on and found new love and a new way of life and I support those who choose to brave to waters and become the true selves of who they are be it transgender or even lesbian, gay, or bi-sexual.
  I watch the news and see the biasness of the people due to their ignorance’s about what it means to be LGBT, this is not a choice PEOPLE!!! It’s who I am and that the only choice I made was to be true to myself and be who I am. I was born transgender and I was born bi-sexual I did not have a say in the matter nor would I want to. I just want people to understand that we need to accept people for who they are and no to judge them and let them have a chance to be happy. I read blog after blog about someone causing someone pain due to their race, religion, creed, sexual preference, gender or gender identity and it just makes me sick.
 I leave you with this if you know someone that is LGBT be there friend not there enemy and give hope to the world and not judge others. Christ once said: “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make, you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.”

Till Next Time,


Post a Comment