Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A journey of many steps. (my imported journal from Live Journal)

Well to open my new Blogg I'm going to start by just porting over my journal, so these are a little personal and just bare with me but they give a good incite to what has been going on up till I stopped writing in Live Journal. :

This is not a test this is life happening

November 16th, 2009 Current Location:United States, Arizona, Phoenix
Current Mood: Reflective
Current Music:Pink
Today started with going to my therapist and talking about how I have been feeling and what has happened
the last week. I told her about how I've been blue about the divorce and about the move and how that was affecting
me. I also told her about how I've been questioning my sexuality and how i want to start hormones. I wish I was working a new job that I can transition in and make the money that I need to cover my expenses. I hate working at A-1 and there is no way that I'm going to become Zoe in that job and be safe there. I have made a goal to make a 50k income by the end of next year and I'll do it to just got to figure out how without breaking the law lol. I can't start transition until I can make a living without A-1.
I also told Lauren about what I told Dennie and how I came out to her, Dennie is a good friend to be able understand me and support what I'm going through. Now if I could only be able to tell my mom, but I'm just not ready yet and I need her right now because of the divorce and I can't loose her right now. I know she will be there for me but I know she may need time to think and deal with what I'm going to unload on her and that my take a some time.
I wish life was a lot less rough on me but then I would not be so unique lol. This is so hard though facing all this without Chanel by my side, I just wish she would of stayed. I miss seeing Zachary and Ryan every day, they seem to be growing so fast. Poor Ryan will only remember Zoe not daddy but I'll get used to it, I have no clue what the boys will call me after the change but they are very creative in that lol. They have a mommy, a daddy for now, a nânny and a nōnny all named by Zachary.

I'm going to give Lauren my live journal address so that she can read it for my therapy and so I can document my journey into womanhood, I'm looking forward to her reading it. I'm a bit of a scatterbrain and I hope it makes since to read but I need to start this journal and be able to document my progress.

That's it for now.
Yours truly,
Zoe Tipsword
Tags: first journal entry Nov 16 2009

Just another day with my thoughts

November 17th, 2009 Current Location:Phoenix AZ
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music:Silence
Well today was my Monday as I take Mondays off most of the time. I went to work at A-1 and well it was work and nothing special, like usual I spent the morning doing the least as possible but getting things done to the liking of my bosses. Today I was feeling bummed out because I do not like this job and want to quit so bad so I made an early day of it and went home, the only good thing about this job is that I can choose and pick my hours as long as all the work gets done by the end of the week. After work I dropped in on mattress firm outlet around the corner from the office to look at beds, wish I had money to buy one I need one so bad.
I need a second job I think I'll put an application at Borders and see if they are hiring, I know I'll do good there since I'm such a bookworm lol. I should also place application at all the places in that shopping area especially the movie theater since I can get a late shift and maybe free movies ha ha.
I been feeling a knot in my chest from time to time from emotions since everything started with the breakup and my coming out. I just feel so constrained and unable to be myself as of late who ever myself is, still working on that part. I know that I'm transsexual and want to move on but my current life I feel so held back and constrained due to money, my job and not being out to my family. I just want to be ME!!! and that me is a girl named Zoe!!! I just wish that I was born this way instead of the struggle to figure it out all these years.
I had several opportunities to come out in the past but due to my bullied all my childhood I could not bear anymore teasing or judgments at the time. I could have told the therapist I saw after my parents divorced, but I was afraid of what she would have told my mom and dad. When I was on my own for the first time I should have got help but because I was so busy trying to stay afloat and make everyone happy with me I lost my way to making myself happy. It's a good thing that I am firm believer in being against suicide and in such it would never acure to me, because anyone else would of done it years ago. I just picked myself up and suffered on and kept on going even if I was unhappy.
I'll be be happy to start transitioning soon and I'm already transitioning mentally. I bought a book recently and was a little let down because it was not what I wanted but it was good and I learned some things. I want to buy "Flat to Fem" but I cant seem to find a hard copy only a PDF, and thats not what I want. The author has several transitioning books and I wand them all. I also have been looking into self hypnosis for feminisation of the mind and body but don't know yet I don't want to move too quickly and be femme before I can really go full time. I want clothing but my pocket book is all called for, so as I said before need a new line of work to afford clothing, but I'm going to work on it. I'm also working hard on my weight I've lost 25 pounds and about 3 to 4 inches. I need new shoes before I can start working out I just don't think my left could take it with the shoes I got, and all I need now is to hurt myself with bad shoes lol.
Tomorrow my Mom and Ed are coming to see my place after I get off work and then there going to take me out for dinner, oh I can't wait and I wonder what we are going to eat there are lots of places around here but some are pricey. I still have to be good and not over eat so I can obtain a girlly figure lol. I want to tell her so bad but I can't and what will Ed think? He's such a A-typical guy and well this will rock him allot, I hope he takes it well.

I'm so excited and so scared at the same time, it's kinda like the feeling I had the day I arrived at boot-camp. A new life with so many unknowns and at a certain point there is no going back. I do want this but I'm still nervous about what will happen to me and my body.
Well my minds not so full now so that's it for now,

Baby steps

November 21st, 2009 Current Location:My apartment Phoenix AZ
Current Mood: I'm outside freezing lol
Current Music:Crickets chirping lol
Today was a good day with Lauren my doctor, we talk about my past and what it meant to me mainly about my schools days. We talked about how I was a recluse and about my Act of "I'm not good enough" and how it affected me in my life and how it held me back from my true potential and growth. We also talked about my progress together and how I felt about how things were progressing and I first gave my progress a C but I was over thinking things too much and letting in my self doubt. But after Lauren recapped what I have been through the last three months I saw that I have done very well and gave myself a B maybe a A :-) . I told her about this journal and will give her access next time I go so that she can see my thoughts. I also told Lauren that I want to start hormones and she told me that next week we would talk about where I am and see if where we stand and move from there. I found out that my insurance company covers transgender and transsexual issues including SRS but I need to find out if my plan covers anything. This was good news and I think I will try to pursue keeping my insurance after I eventually quit A-1. I decided to slowly start replacing my clothes as I go with female clothing, I am already replacing my under shorts and am currently looking for sleepwear. I bought some tops for sleeping but there a little tight and I'll just put them away for when I'm thinner ;-). I'm having trouble finding a nightgown as winter in here and it seems flannel is all the rage and that's to hot for me I prefer a cozy blanket to heavy jammies.
I went job hunting after Walmart but was told to apply on-line, things have changed since I was younger it's hard to talk to anyone in job hunting because of on-line applications and trying to get that first impression in. So after Borders. I went to the vitamin shop to see if the had saw palmetto, red clover, and fenalgreek for femmization purposes but what they had was too much for me to spend plus I'm not sure about doing this yet as to I really should wait till I am approved to take such things. So after coming out empty handed and getting tired my poor little car starts making noise from one of the electric locks... Arg! so I dropped it off at KIA and got dropped off at home, but they fixed it in just a few hours. I did apply to Borders and I hope to hear from them and I sent an email to my insurance and also to Dr. Bowers to ask if I could write to her during my transition.
Earlier this week I was able to chat with Chanel about me transitioning and about my current progress, I think she is doing better and is a little more open to talk about what's going on. Chanel seems better but having trouble wrapping around what's going to happen to me during and after my transformation and was concerned about what if the boys became like me like if it was genetic or something, I told here it was unlikely that it would happen to them. We texted about things for a few hours till it was way past time for bed.
I've been thinking about my sexuality lately and I think I am interested in men from a female perspective, I am still attracted to women but I don't know if I'll stay that way it's just weird that after all this time that I thought I was strait now everything comes into question. I want my female body and to be able to explore these feelings I don't know if I could do it during transition thank god that my sex drive will go down during hormones. It will give me a break from that part of me. I'm also glad that my physical male self will get smaller as things progress my muscle mass and my penis and testies too. It is going to be so amazing to see my body change and become less male and more female and then completely female. I just wish that I could experience it all, like all the things beyond modern medicine like have a complete female reproductive system and skeletal structure but it's OK but it would of still been cool to have a baby from that perspective.
I've been scanning for breast forms and seeing what I can afford, I want a pair that are very realistic and that I can wear with out a bra as well as topless so that I can get a preview of what's to come plus so I have something as my real ones grow in. I've been letting my hair grow and shaving my legs for a over a month now, I'm letting my chest hair grow until all the ingrown heal then I'm going to use Nair instead of shaving live last time that was a bad experience I can't wait till I don't have to do that anymore :-) . I started using facial cream and I used a facial mask last night and it made my face feel all nice and soft it was very cool. I am feeling very female on the inside as of late and I hope to be refereed to as Zoe soon because I don't think of myself as male so much anymore at least on the inside, I just wish the hardware matched the software lol.
I want to come out to my mom, I'll probably do it after the new year and I'll also tell Kim and with her help tell Tom. I'm sure they'll accept me hell look at my family my problems are small compared to some of the others in the family LOL. There queer brother (me) is an angel compared to the life Homer & Jerry has put on the family with being the vagabonds they are, all I can say they never get charity from me they did it to themselves. So I guess I'm going to be a sister now hmmm that's interesting now that the pronouns will change wow that's a trip. And one of them is being a possible bride or wife in the distant This is going to be a amazing and wonderful new chapter in the rest of my life. To my new self XOXO and goodnight. Zoe

Coming out

November 24th, 2009 Current Location:United States, Arizona, Tolleson
Current Mood: depressed
Today after much thought I've decided to start coming out to family. With pending start of hormones I thought it would be a good idea to start coming out as to not be forced to when people start noticing that I'm growing breast or I'm looking more feminine, So that way they have time to brace for impact. So today I wrote my sister Kathy and told her everything. I am and was so scared to tell her and now about what will happen. I truly believe that my mom and Kathy have suspected something when I was a kid but we will see. I'm also trying to build up the courage to tell my mom this Friday after Thanksgiving before I head home.

It's so hard to be me right now. I've been talking to Chanel my ex more and she's doing better, I sent her some links to read that may help her understand more about me. I also told her more about what's going on and that I plan to start hormones soon. She took it well as could expected for someone that is seeing a man she loved become a woman. I'm going to Landmark tonight since Dennie invited me, I hope things go okay.
Today was rough and I just want to crawl up into a ball and cry. I look at my reflection and I am just so sad at what I see. Seeing a man in the mirror and not Zoe is so hard. I'm so repulsed by my gender and I just want it to go away. I want my curves and my female gender. I just want things to start and then be over with. I found out that my insurance will cover me and that when I quit I need to buy it to keep it and if I can I will. I've decided to use Dr. Bower for my SRS and anything else I need at the time. I'm going to do as much surgery as possible here in the valley, to save on time and money. I hope that I don't need a boob job and that I can loose the weight so not to drain my resources for SRS. I do want to be intament with a man someday but as to love i can't say. Right now boys or girls I just can't enjoy sex as I am right now. I hate having a penis and just want to be rid of it.
Well I've cried and vented so that's it for today love to all including myself.

This week I rocked the world

November 27th, 2009 Current Location:The pool at home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music:None just crickets lol
Ok this week was a roller coaster, at the beginning of the week I decided on starting to come out to family. So on Tuesday I wrote a email to my sister Kathy telling her everything and filling her in up to now. I told her that the real reason that Chanel left was because I was transgender and that I've felt this was all my life. I told her that I'm transitioning and that I'm going to start hormones soon. Later that evening she called and we talked for hours, she told me she was shocked but was behind me 100% and that if it is what makes me happy she is ok with it. I love my sister so much and I'm so happy that she supports me and had my back. I told her that I'm going to have SRS when the time come and I answered her questions. At last someone I can be open with, she is concerned that should take my time and consider my choices and I will. But I know that if I don't transition I will probably blow my head off someday from misery and depression. I told her that I was considering telling mom Friday after thanksgiving but she convinced me that may not go so well and that I should write her. So after Xmas I'll send her an email telling her everything.
Also this week I started going to the gym and working out, I plan to work out at least an hour a day and so far so good. I am not sure but I think I'm at 285 now and that is something be happy about. My mom after thanksgiving got me into to see a hypnotherapist for my weightless program and I'm very hopeful had one session and she making me a cd to use at home so I hope it will help.
Dinner was great and mom sent home with me a whole roasted turkey and some leftovers. And guess what mom got me a PC and it'll get here in two weeks or a little less.... Very cool! I had a few karmic moments on my visit when I got there will and grace was on and it was the episode that will came out as a teen, that was weird. And latter mom and I where talking about gay couples like my nephews and the possibility that my ex mother in law may be gay and her position was oddly calm and very cool about it and she said ed would be very hard hit but may come around if a close relative came out. I think mom thinks I may be gay, he he she not that far off if that's true. But I do believe she knows something and that's a very good thing for me as I have been laying out breadcrumbs for her to soften the blow.
I've also been my true self a lot this week I've been Zoe and have had moments I feel very female in mind and spirit, and it was awesome to let myself out and express who I am. I was being very girlie on my way to moms listening to some fun music and also doing voice exercises singing to it and being feminine in the moment. Also when I've been working out I been envisioning myself female working out bit not intentionally just happened. I am feeling inside more female as the days progress and less male.... Yeah!! I'm wanting to start physically changing and start my real life test as soon as I'm able to pass.
I'm just so excited about everything and it seems that fate is leading me to greatness and I'm on the right path now...finaly. So goodnight world hugs and kisses Zoe

been away and sick but I'm back now and I'm Zoe now

December 19th, 2009 Current Location:United States, Arizona, Casa Grande
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music:hum of the washer and dryer
Hello Journal,
I have been a very bad girl. I have not been keeping my journal up for over a month shame on me….. LOL.
Ok I’ve scolded myself now to move on, he he. Ok so it has been almost a month since my last entry and wow what a ride. Lets start with the what happened last time I posted, I had told my sister Kathy about me and was waiting to tell mom after Xmas. I also started going to the gym and got a hypnosis session and had a disk made. Life was going pretty good then.
Since then I have been to my December Thursday and I’m starting to make friends also I am doing well in my therapy with my counselor Lauren and have grown a lot up till now and WOW thing are happening. I went to a trans Christmas party and that was fun, I’ve got a crush on a girl from my group and she was there. But I know I need to hold my self back as I need to heal from loosing Chanel and rebound on some poor soul, she deserve better than that. That brings me to my next breakthrough, I have discovered that I’m bisexual but from a female perspective. I cant be with anyone right now as a guy it’s just not how I see myself being sexual.
A few therapies ago we start talking about going on hormones and if I was ready, and we both agreed that I was and so I started to looking for a doctor and meanwhile a started taking herbal supplements (saw palmetto, red clover, and fenugreek) and been taking them up till yesterday. I noticed mood swings and not much else but your supposed to take them for months before any real results happen also made a lotion out of wild yam extract to work into my skin and was doing that of an on to. But Thursday this week I found a doctor or should say a nurse practitioner and I have my first appointment on the 4rth of January….”I’m so excited!!” so I went of my supplemental hormones as I don’t want to mess up my blood work and so I get the right prescriptions YEAH!!!!!! And as of now Lauren is writing my letter to get treatment as we speak and I may need to see Dr. Kemper to get her to sign it as I need more than one signature. I found finding a doctor to take my insurance an ordeal but when I change how I was searching it just popped out, I started looking up LGBT doctors and poof there it was.
Part of my month made the rest a living race, I was sick for five days and missed three days of work because of it. Also I had a half day when my truck pump broke and another day I went home early due to a emotional breakdown. So I have made up about 98% of my hour and made some good over time but I still hate my job lol. Since I now have my computer up and now I have a LAN phone but no connection, now I can move toward getting out of A-1 for good. I just cant become me in that place and after I quit I am coming out to Tom and Kim about being transgender. So now I’m making a little more money since no bonus for me I’m taking it out in overtime (insert evil laugh) and long days. The last two weeks I’ve done 45+ hours and should get a nice check for them.
There is a side effect to all this business I’ve stopped going to the gym for now but I need to start again and I have this week gone once and will go tomorrow night too, also I’m back on my diet too. I think I’ve gain some weight since being sick, but I have lost a lot of weight since August think about 40lbs since I have no scale not really sure and I’ve lost 4 inches off my waist too.
I’m wearing my new underwear most of the time and I’ve bought some tops at Wal-Mart to sleep in but there a tad too small but in time they will fit. I went to a transgender clothing exchange this week and got a few t-shirts and a pair of yoga pants all very cute and they fit.
Me and Chanel finally got together and talked and I told her everything about me and we shared for over three hours, I learned from her that she suspected that I was gay a long time ago and that I was very girly about lots of things. She is still afraid that I’ll somehow rub off on the boys and that I may pose a possible threat to them. Like I said before if any of my boy came out trans or gay or both, I would not care and would accept them as my kids and love them as I always have. But Chanel is doing better and is now asking questions about transition and what will be happening to me as time go’s on, even more so since I told her I came out to Alex who was very intrigued about it all and was very accepting of me and that was very nice.
Now for what’s to come. I cant wait to tell mom but dread it too, as Kathy is very worried that mom will shut me out but I think mom is going to accept me but it may take awhile for her to come around. I’m very hopeful for the new year and I’ve told Lauren to start calling me Zoë as I need to start identifying with the name as my own so I can respond to it and I just want to be call Zoë…makes me feel good. My job is coming to and end and a new one will come soon and now I will have a doctor I starting hormones and will start seeing that progress. I’m tired now been spending the weekend with Zachary and saw the Disney movie with mom and Ed. Just waiting for my bedding to get done so I can go to bed. I may have forgotten something but it’s been a good month so far and I very happy.


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