Becoming Whole

So I've made up my mind (and yes this can change again) after being all over the place about my next step in transition, I've come to a conclusion that Gender Confirmation  Surgery is going to be the next step and very possibly the last step in my transition.

 I have been thinking that I just can’t afford to tie up so much money in the years to come into surgeries instead of investing it into a life with my soon to be wife. If I have a windfall somewhere down the road I may get breast or facial surgery but for now I'll just rely on hormones to give me what I need and just be patient. I also have to consider Sophia in all this and that she herself needs GCS as well and that is something I don't want to leave her behind in the dust while I move forward. I want us to transition together and this is too important to put aside.

This also means getting on my homework in how I’m going to pay for surgery and a plan on making it happen. I really at this point that reality have me going outside the US for surgery; it’s either Canada or Thailand.

 I need this done for all sorts of reasons and the other surgeries are just window dressings. Not having the proper sex to my gender is a very big hindrance. I can’t be legally female without it nor can I have a normal life as a woman without concern of being found out or even having a physical relationship with the person I love.

 I can live with small breasts if I have to, many women do. I can live with the face I have, I get many compliment on my looks and I get hit on by men all the time so I must be doing something right. I can lose weight and have a muffin top as a big percentage of women in the world have the same issues. I just can’t live with having a penis when I should have a vagina. It tears me up every day I know that it’s there. I get so bummed out when I see another friend have the surgery I so desperately need.

I can live with the other stuff but I need this to live my life as the woman I need to be.

~Zoe