Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Inner conflict

I am happy to say I found a job, it's not much but it's something. I also am moving to a smaller apartment in Glendale, one more affordable since I will be loosing the one I live now.
But I'm in conflict inside right now because of recent events and I am not sure where to go from here. In the past few weeks my plan to become a insurance agent fell through since I failed the license exam four times and that is the limit of the testing and cannot retest till next year. So I wasted two months of no income for this. But also during this time I have made a friendship with a great gal from Seattle and during my job search she offered me a place to stay if I needed to move to find work. I also during this time I find a attraction to this great woman and I don't know where it would go but I'm open to it. I also see that moving to another place would give me a little more freedom to come out more publicly and to be more myself and this is very appealing. I do plan to move from the Phoenix area eventually but this kinda snuck up on me.
But this is where the conflict comes in and that is my boys who I love so much and I don't know if I want to be away from them just yet for long periods of time. I not sure I'm ready for that but I also want to move on with my life and find new friends and relationships. I just found out recently that my ex-wife in now in a serious relationship and I fear its out come, I am happy for her but the pain of it is still there. I feel like running and starting over but I feel the pull to stay. I feel the pull of a possible new relationship elsewhere and also the need to stay and be a parents.
I am so conflicted I mean the easy questions are answered and the hard one are getting harder. On one hand I could move and be with a good friend that may become more and make leaps to being FT, or stay and play things by ear and have my boys and the joys of being a parent. Both ways have pro's and con's and it's so hard to figure out what I want.
All that hold me here is my past and my family and I do not want to loose that, but I may have a possible future somewhere else and that excites me and scares me at the same time. I am so ready to continue my transition and move on and the ties to my old fake self are slowly clearing away I just don't what to do about what to do next. I do get now even so fresh int transition how it's so important to look beyond transition and what to do after for life still drums on and that transition is not life but part of it. Like I said I do plan of moving away but I don't know now and I'm so conflicted. I just want to move on with my life and not live in a holding pattern, I want to live!


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