Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Reflection and Random ranting

After watching the Dr. Oz tape and reflection over other recent experiences, I have really started to reflect on my life story. As a child I was very active up to a certain age, after that my since of self worth plummeted. I did poorly in school not because of lack of intellect but because of other yet unknown factor, I was told I had ADD and I do have ADD but that was not it. I was in the era of put Ritalin on it and it'll go away, well it did not. As I reflect I realize I was suffering from mild depression, lack of self esteem and self worth. Also as I look back now, I see this could of been linked to my transgenderism. Only at the time I had no clue all I knew was I did not fit in with every one else. I'm not going to get into my full story but, I do see that the possibility of how far back my transgenderism went and that even if I did not realize it at the time.
I reflect now about this untruth I created for my self in the sum of one frase (I'm not good enough) and in this frase I was unable to move in any direction in life including making up my mind about my transgenderism and seeking help instead of hiding it. But as I overcame this thought that made up my life a thought created by a confused child. I created a new me, a me that vows to make a difference in my life and that of others. I once made a declaration and I wish to be held accountable for it, that was a declaration to be the "possibility of a Beacon of Leadership, Hope, and Creativity." meaning to inspire myself and others to be theses things.
I have been a little broken as of late and not following my declarations as that I let myself become "I'm not good enough" again, I find myself alone in the dark and without companionship. I have friends but I never learned how to be one. I never been social or even out going, these concepts are very foreign to me.
I feel more grounded than ever though and I am even more determined to becoming my true self. I am Zoe and I alway have been and always will be! I do not wish to settle for a common life or one that is pressed upon me by others expectations of who I should be or what they "think" is best.
This message is incomplete but it's my life and life and living is never over so I continue my pursuit for happiness and walk tall and toss away the big stick. I do wish others to find there truth and what there life declaration is, I wish you all enough.
Zoe Tipsword


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