Monday, September 13, 2010

Reflections of life into Zoe

I've been thinking about my past as of late, especially the past year. A year ago I woke up and made a choice about either living my life as who I am or be dead in my own skin and not living at all. And this time I chose to embrace life, and I hoped that those close to me would follow. In a flash my old life ended I was no longer happily married, my wife left me accusing me of betrayal and being untruthful to her about who I was. I truly thought I was most honest to her at all times and I loved her with every ounce of who I was and my biggest fear in life was loosing her and my family. But where I was going she made clear she would not follow and I respect her choice even when my heart broke. My old life was over and it was painful to see it fade but I know the past cant be reversed and on the present and the future can be forged.

In the past year I found life again and what it was I have been searching for all my life and that was the truth that I was denying myself and through finding life in living in truth I chose a name that always held meaning and that name was "Zoe". I Chose to live as a woman and my name means life and I became who I always have been on the inside. Funny how the parts of me people always considered my strong points and best qualities were all my feminine personality traits and gentle nature.

I have learned so much about myself in the past year than in the past thirty years. I took risks that I would of never have tried before and some worked and many did not. I lost two jobs and gained one that I would of thought of doing ever, and now after years of procrastinating I have enrolled in school and with hope (and a few people dropping off a waiting list) I'll start in October.

I have found I'm not alone on my journey either, my mother and brothers and sisters with there families are there behind me. I was so afraid to loose them as I did with my own family, I was in fear to tell them about what I was going through. But family can surprise you in many ways, my family overwhelmed me with support and wanted to help me with my transition. So overwhelming I was in shock and was unsure of how to handle things. I also unexpectedly found on my journey this year someone new to help heal my broken heart and to be apart of my life, I met Sophia by chance and at first it was just friends and someone I could relate to. Then over time we became close and eventually she move in with me and became my girlfriend.

I have lived so much this past year more than I ever have in my entire life, I have suffered and laughed, cried and loved. I have had great losses and great blessings. I have watched a past life fade away and new one struggle into existence. I have taken risks and won and lost them. I have lived life and I am living life into Zoe.

I impart with a celebration of living a year of being out with all it's ups and downs and ins and outs. I look forward to the next year and what it may bring, wish me luck.


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