Thursday, August 18, 2011

Breaking Down

 Seems to me that I’ve been thinking allot about my future as of late and my past and what’s in store for this woman I’ve become. I’ve been thinking allot about the things that seem just out of reach and how much I want them. From seeing my children again and being their Mama once more to completing my physical transition of my gender to reflect on the real me.
  I have been in the last few months a little more than a ghost in my shell due to all the troubles in my life and being overwhelmed by them. My grades and attendance at school has dropped and my never ending search for a job has been fruitless, leading to a drastic drop in my finances and putting transition on to a slow simmer. Meanwhile one of my few joys in my life that was keeping me sane was abruptly taken from me and that was my time with my children. I retaliated by filing for divorce and adding even more stress into my life compounding onto the mountain that was already there.
I feel like I have the world on my shoulders and that I’m packing it on a long trip. I have good days too but they grow fewer and fewer, I get sick because of all this stress and it compounds more on the pile. I stress over my transition and work and passing even though I know I pass very well. I just worry about the things I need to do like hair removal just so I can work a full day without the need to shave, again more fuel for the fire. I need to have surgery to correct my gender and I did say need, and there is no way to pay for it.
 It kills me a bit more everyday that I can’t do anything about any of this except keep on walking on this hamster wheel going nowhere. I know I’ll finish school but I just don’t know when and then I’ll find work. I know the divorce can’t go terribly wrong and I’ll see my boys again. I just don’t know about the rest anymore.
 I’m so tired of not having anything or going anywhere and what I do have is taken away, lost or stolen from me one way or another. I’m just tired so tired of it, I want my day in the sun!!! I want to not have to worry anymore and I want to be able to sleep at night once again. I want to be able to make love and feel whole finally with my beloved. I want to look into the mirror and see the reflection that is in my mind. And I want to raise my family without pregidous. Right now I’m just so tired of fighting and clawing my way through life, this cross I carry is too damn heavy. For once I just want to break free……


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