Breaking Down

 Seems to me that I’ve been thinking allot about my future as of late and my past and what’s in store for this woman I’ve become. I’ve been thinking allot about the things that seem just out of reach and how much I want them. From seeing my children again and being their Mama once more to completing my physical transition of my gender to reflect on the real me.

  I have been in the last few months a little more than a ghost in my shell due to all the troubles in my life and being overwhelmed by them. My grades and attendance at school has dropped and my never ending search for a job has been fruitless, leading to a drastic drop in my finances and putting transition on to a slow simmer. Meanwhile one of my few joys in my life that was keeping me sane was abruptly taken from me and that was my time with my children. I retaliated by filing for divorce and adding even more stress into my life compounding onto the mountain that was already there.

I feel like I have the world on my shoulders and that I’m packing it on a long trip. I have good days too but they grow fewer and fewer, I get sick because of all this stress and it compounds more on the pile. I stress over my transition and work and passing even though I know I pass very well. I just worry about the things I need to do like hair removal just so I can work a full day without the need to shave, again more fuel for the fire. I need to have surgery to correct my gender and I did say need, and there is no way to pay for it.

 It kills me a bit more everyday that I can’t do anything about any of this except keep on walking on this hamster wheel going nowhere. I know I’ll finish school but I just don’t know when and then I’ll find work. I know the divorce can’t go terribly wrong and I’ll see my boys again. I just don’t know about the rest anymore.

 I’m so tired of not having anything or going anywhere and what I do have is taken away, lost or stolen from me one way or another. I’m just tired so tired of it, I want my day in the sun!!! I want to not have to worry anymore and I want to be able to sleep at night once again. I want to be able to make love and feel whole finally with my beloved. I want to look into the mirror and see the reflection that is in my mind. And I want to raise my family without pregidous. Right now I’m just so tired of fighting and clawing my way through life, this cross I carry is too damn heavy. For once I just want to break free……

~Zoe

The Climb

 I have been on an incredible journey these past few months with highs and lows and startling revelations and insights. I have grown and changed in many ways and some physical changes as well.

 I started school this past October at Southwest Institute of Natural Aesthetics and I have found my calling there. I find my inspiration in a future career in the spa industry and natural healing, and my love for the field grows with every class. I truly feel like I’m finally reaching for my dreams and taking control of my life.

Without failure there is no growth and I have my share of it the past year and I have grown so much from my falls. I took several leaps this past year some good and some bad. My last venture was one of them as I was seeking employment with Sears Holdings and working in their home delivery department at their call center, let’s just say it was an issue with training and that I was asked to leave without any real explanation. I have learned that I am not really cut out for call center work and that I need to look somewhere else. In truth I have not had a good job in eight months but I stay positive with the encouragement of my love Sophia and I know I’ll find something better.

 I have come far on this climb called transition as well; it’s been over a year since I started this journey and almost a year since I started hormones to shape my body into what I feel on the inside. I have been able to recall repressed memories of my past, and I truly see how far back I have known that I was different from others around me.

  I see that I was struggling to fit social norms and dealing with issues that I did not understand. I was a good kid and stayed out of trouble. I played more with the girls when I was very little, I played make believe and dress up and I loved it but sadly it ended as gender roles became relevant. I tried to fit in with the boys but I was always picked on due to being sensitive and non-aggressive and in a country setting this was a good way to get beaten up. I was still very much feminine inside and started to repress my feelings but some aspects of character still shined out, my artistic side and eye for beautiful things as well as what I thought was important in life. I collected unicorns and stuffed toys, I played dolls with my G.I. Joes and called it camping LOL. I was a normal kid too, I made forts and rode bikes and got really messy and I did boy things but I see that I may be a bit of a country brat and that really has nothing to do with gender roles ^_^. I remember in my youth that I always felt that I was in the wrong skin and that I wished that I was born a girl, I even remember a time that I was really sick and had surgery and at that time I was wishing that there would be some complication and that they would have to change my gender to correct the issue and I was disappointed when all they did was a partial orchiectomy. I was crushed by my teen years and I began to repress my memories and desires and started seeing them as taboo and wrong.  

I see things differently now and I rejoice to find these repressed memories and see into the areas of memory that I have forgotten. I am happy to know who I am and am only disappointed that I did not see sooner. I do see that some things were meant to be and that if certain things had happened I would never have had the experiences that shaped me or the blessings I have been given.

 As I said I have grown a lot the past few months some physical some mental. I have changed a lot physically I no longer see the old me in the mirror now and only see the woman I am there instead. I feel uncomfortable in men’s clothing and feel myself dressed feminine and women’s clothing fits way better now due to my new shape ^_^. I have grown up allot too as I become more settled in the life of a woman, I think more feminine and I’m more in touch with my feelings. Chocolate is my friend and I cry during movies LOL. I am mastering little by little my voice and it’s slowly becoming more to my liking and I’m starting to get mistaken on the phone, it’s great for telemarketers as I tell them I am not home LOL.

 I have made lots of progress with the people around me and I’m out to everyone around me and except for working and legal errands I’m living full time as my true self. I came out at school to the faculty about a month ago and came out to my classmates in the last few weeks and so everything there is going well and I’m accepted there. I joked with the only guy in the class telling him he was the only guy in the class after all LOL. I am not dressing at school yet and I am debating about that right now and what I want to do about it.

 I had an experience yesterday that made a profound impact on me. I went to the bank to deposit my last check from my old job and I had to go dressed as a man and I felt so out of place and uncomfortable dressed that way, later that day I went out with Sophia and I was dressed nice and cute and I felt normal. I take this experience as a sign that it’s time to start planning to go completely full time and I have set a date for my birthday as the day I start living as Zoe in every aspect of life. I’m hoping to raise enough money to take care of my name and legal gender changed by that time, but it’s not a requirement but it would make things easier. I see a grand adventure in the next year and my journey as I live my life, a Life into Zoe.

Till next time lots of love,

  Zoe

New Heart, New Life, New Dreams, New Hopes.

 This evening I sit here pondering a revelation. As some may know, my girlfriend Sophia has been in the hospital since last Friday and was placed in ICU and will most likely be released this Thursday. Sophia was diagnosed with pancreatitis and also a genetic disorder to do with her triglycerides that were a hundred times over the normal limits. She is doing much better and with diet, exercise, and better diabetic management she can go back to a normal life.

 But as I said I had a revelation, in the past few days as I saw my beloved in the hospital all hooked up in tubes and monitors and her brush with what could have happened, I realized that my broken heart had finally healed from my past and was overflowing with my love for Sophia. I do say I was stunned a little to see things in this new perspective and that it took a tragic moment for me to realize that I have truly and fully moved on to this new life with my Goth Girl and that my life would be incomplete without her.

 I have found myself able to fully love someone again and my heart has healed from being broken from being left by my ex-wife. Sophia and I are mapping out our lives and really seeing our future together, we are planning to move Flagstaff AZ and eventually open a small business together after I graduate school. I would love someday to see the states change their laws for I see myself wanting to eventually make our bond between us something more than just girlfriends and beloved.

 I have also begun another new step in my journey into a new direction; yesterday I started school at SWINA (Southwest Institute of Natural Aesthetics) and began my studies as a natural aesthetics practitioner. I realized during class that this is defiantly for me and that my life as my true self in this profession will flourish. I also realized that I do have to come out to at least the school administration about my true nature and so that they can prepare themselves for when I go full time and be prepared for any situation that will arise from this revelation. I am already just being myself in class and will not hide who I am there or hold back my nature and budding female personality. I will not run around the room declaring myself transgender at this time as I am not ready for that yet but I am not going to hide it either. I will just let my walls down and let people in and let them know who I really am without placing a label on my gender.

 The next few years are going to be extraordinary as I transform myself and the people around me into something new and grand and I do it with new pride.

This is a grand adventure and a journey of many steps, as I live my life; A Life into Zoe.

Love to all,

Zoe