Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Spinning Compass

Today is just a rant about how I’m feeling as of late, I know because of the pending changes in the not so distant future are coming and I’m really excited about everything. I’m excited about a new home and new beginning with Sophia and also getting my transition back on the rails.
 I just at the moment feel a bit lost though and without direction. With my appeals case being seen in a few weeks and the likely ruling in my favor of overturning the original case of custody and basically resetting everything prior to my divorce I’m a bit nervous of what has to happen after that. I know that it’ll be like no ruling ever existed and it will be back to court fighting for custody for my boys. The problem is honestly I don’t know how much fight I have in me anymore. I just want to be able to see my boys without constrictions or boundaries and be able to be a parent to them again. I hope that one day that Chanel can see that money is not what’s needed to raise a child but loving parents, a child has no clue about monitory needs but they do know the sadness and emptiness of not having a parent around, I should know because I know that loss.
 See when my parents divorced my own mother drove a wedge between me and my dad because of her hate for him and poisoned my view of him and really ruined having a strong relationship with him and as I grew older I did reconcile these feeling with him but it was too late and it was only after he passed away that I truly realized what I lost. I don’t blame my mom nor do I hate her because well my dad was human and not very good at relationships and I understand that now. I also know the whole story of the decay of their lives together and it’s rather tragic and personal and I’ll respect that by not repeating it. I don’t want this with my boys and I don’t want their minds poisoned with their mothers hate.
 I’m given a little hope by the outcome of a close friends long separation from her children has come to a close by her son contacting her and making it known that he still loves her and wants her in her life no matter what his maternal mother has done to keep him away from her. I’m hoping that when my boys have the voice to choose for themselves that they will make it know that they want me in their lives. As for now I can only wait and hope and fight.
 Until then I have to also look into my future and I’m still a bit uncertain about that and a little frightened about all the changes that are to come. I know that I’ll be finishing school soon and that the big leap to a new home state is coming. I’m at this time uncertain how that is going to happen but I’m hopeful and know that we’ll overcome the obstacle of actually moving so far away. We’ve yet again put off the wedding another year so that we can get out crap together after the move and so I can close on my custody case and set up visitations with my boys. Also we’ve agreed to start getting into good health and to be honest I’ve never been in worse shape in my entire life and it really scares me. I need to improve my health or I cannot have any form of corrective surgery. So this needs to be addressed and soon.
I feel kind of stuck and frozen in my transition as of late and without direction because of our current situation of finances. I’m so ready to be physically complete and as the days passed these past few years I’ve grown deeper and deeper back into dysphoria and depression over not being able to be fully physically female and the limited results of hormone therapy has been disappointing to say the least. I go to bed every night as of late hopping to wake up and finding myself finally whole only to hit reality knowing that I’m still not there yet. I hate not having adult sized breast and having that “thing” that I’ve hated since childhood. I can’t say that there haven’t been any results in my current transformation and I do like the ones that have happened.  I’ve come to accept and love myself as a large curvy woman and have even come to like a few particular styles that I’ll pursue when the money is better, because of this I desire large breasts and a thinner middle and that “thing” removed. For the first time in my life I want to feel sexy and desirable, I want to express myself fully. But I need surgery and I’m so ready for it and it’s killing me that I can’t have any of it right now. It just sucks!
 As you can see I’m a bit mixed up and the compass of my life seems spinning out of control. I feel like time is not on my side as I turn 37 in just a few short weeks. I have so much to do and it feels like I have very little time to do it… SIGH. I could go on and on and the needle will just keep spinning. I still ask myself is it worth it…….. IDK


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